None of this is real.

Depression and hormones are a nasty combination. I need to keep reminding myself that I'm really not feeling this way...although really, I am feeling it. Confused yet? I know I am. Incidentally, this isn't a cry for help or anything. In fact, I'm feeling pretty good today, just a bit tired. So, feel free to give advice in the comments (as long as it isn't just "snap out of it" or "get over it") I mostly just want to write it down to get a perspective on it in a couple of days.

I haven't been officially diagnosed as clinically depressed or manic, but depression is as good a buzz word as any. In my case it manifests less as intense sadness, although that's been happening much more lately as well. Quite often, it's a little voice (I think I'll name it The Demon) who prods me with thoughts of failure, fears of failing and "what's the point?" and "we all just end up dead anyway" thoughts. He's a fun guy to have at parties. */sarcasm*

One result of this is that I need to force my body to do things. Most people think "Hmm...there's a piece of paper on the floor. I'll just grab it." and then they do it. For me, it's a huge effort. I get tired as soon as I think about doing housework, homework or physical activity. I will have a backpack, purse or shopping bag in my car on the passenger seat and I physically will NOT be able to reach over and grab it to take into the house, so I'll leave it there and be worried about getting broken into.

Anything with multiple steps in it is horribly difficult. If I need to get changed to go to the gym or the track, there's no way I can do it. Getting gas is an ordeal. I'll be too tired to stop and get gas for five minutes. I will miss things that I love, like karate, because the thought of ironing my uniform, getting in the car, driving there and changing into my uniform frightens me. Isn't that pathetic? :p

Then of course, when I miss doing exercise or going to karate or something, The Demon pops up and tells me what a failure I am for missing out on whatever it is. This makes me feel worse of course.

Another fun thing that happens is that I'll have intense worries spinning through my head as soon as I lie down to go to sleep. It's stupid things, usually, but that doesn't stop them from running around and around until I want to scream with frustration and lobotomize myself with a Q-tip.

I've been more emotional lately. I got very affected by a "You Damn Kid" comic and kept getting teary eyed whenever I thought of it. It's so incredibly annoying. When I get frustrated, I'll start crying. I hate that. I despise crying, especially in front of people, which frustrates me even more. I seem to remember being more intelligent. :p Maybe that'll be solved with more sleep.

I've been reading a couple of blogs from people who are on, have been on, or are trying to wean themselves off of anti-depressants, and I don't think that's the way to go for me yet. I've had some counselling at the university last year which seemed to help. Anyone have any suggestions?