Saturday, January 31, 2004

The UberPost that was promised.

Candyman finally got my internet um...wasn't just a single cord out of place? And I don't feel like a total technophobe? :p Ah well, that's why I'm dating a techie. ;)

So here's that post...written Tuesday Jan. 27, 2004 at 0309

Music, beauty, snow and spirit

A question of timing

This is a novelty to me. Since my internet connection seems to be malfunctioning, and since I don't want to troubleshoot at 0200 I'll be typing this up in WordPad complete with HTML tags and then posting it with the date fitted in when it posts. This irritates me to no end when certain people who will not be named (and if you think it's you, it isn't...this person KNOWS it's them. ;) ) do this, so I'm expecting some flack. [edit: I wound up not doing this because it took too long for me to get this up.]

This post has been brewing for a little while, and I think it's going to wind up being one of those "dream" posts where the content is totally meaningful to me, and me alone. I will reread this stuff, and I will be transported back to the state of mind that I wrote in but since no one else has the points of reference that I do it will only be words to It's funny that many people understand that no one will "get" their dream, or feeling that they have but it's so desperately important that it is shared with someone. I know that the contents of this post (which is rapidly becoming an essay) probably won't touch very many, if ANY of the readers that I have, but I know that it's important to me to do this. I cleaned out a box a couple days ago and found a torn out page of my diary from when 1991 when I was 11 or 12 describing a dream that I had. There was very little detail, but I was instantly transported back. Those feelings seem so fragile when they're being written, but truly they can last a very long time. This is a really raw and rough stream of consciousness writing, ;)

NOTE: Candyman, if you're reading this...there's some stuff in here that might seem strange and worrisome. Please don't worry, there isn't anything wrong. I love you. :) And if you don't find anything worrisome, please disregard this notice.

Now that the "make the boyfriend freak out" addendum is finished, on with...

...the actual post

I'm so tired of being here.
Supressed by all my childish fears.
If you're to leave, why don't you just leave
But your presence still lingers here,
And it won't leave me alone.

These wounds won't seem to heal.
This pain is just too real.
There's just too much that time cannot erase.

When you cried, I wiped away all your tears.
When you screamed, I'd fight away all your fears.
I held your hand through all those years
You still have a hold on me.

Evanescence-"My Immortal"

I hate snow.

No, that isn't the entire're not getting off that easy. :) It just helps to have a bit of background. Snow and I haven't gotten along since I first got my driver's licence, although I quite enjoyed it previously. Weather is something that I've often been attuned with...I think that having a minor case of SADS (Seasonal Affective Disorder Something) has helped (or not) with that. I've always had trouble with winter, often being more depressed, and snow, and cold. I hate the cold. I'm always cold, except when I'm too hot and then I get nauseated. I have a very narrow temperature range that I feel comfortable in. To me, snow has always been something which on the West Coast we endure personally for three days every six years and laugh about how Ontario is getting smacked with temperatures that we only see on TV.

Music has always been a major source of spirituality to me. When I go to church, it's one of the things that I look forward to the most. It was one of the ways I connected with God, and even now that I don't follow a mainstream religion, music is still one of the beautiful things in the world which connects me to the earth and sends me into the sky. Singing has always been very important to me. I sing to myself, often without realizing I'm doing it. I sing to the radio, I sing in the shower (as cliche as that sounds...) and I used to sing out my window when I was younger before I went to sleep.

Finding beauty is very important to me, and I unwittingly found beauty in snow several weeks ago. Unlike many of the other Wet (sic) Coast bloggers, I didn't mention the snowfall (I think) or the icy conditions. This was mostly because they and I were having an uneasy truce. I didn't acknowledge them other than driving very carefully, and they didn't acknowledge me. One evening, Candyman and I were hanging out when it began snowing heavily. We decided that since he had all wheel drive on his car, he would follow me home so that I could leave my car at home since I was working the next morning and then we could go back to his place. On the way back to his place, and on other subsequent drives that night we were listening to the Evanescence CD which I mentioned in my previous blog post.

One of the things that happens to me when I listen to music is that I will be mentally and emotionally transported back to the place where I most vividly remember hearing it. For Incubus's "Wish You Were Here", I'm brushing my hair, listening to the radio in a place that I was housesitting, experiencing true freedom for one of the first times. Madonna's "Lucky Star", I'm 9 or 10 years old at my friend Stephanie's house. It's only in the last year that I can stand to be in the same room as Amanda Marshall's "Dark Horse" or especially "Trust Me, This is Love". I have practically run out of stores when it was on the radio because of its emotional connection for me. The same for Alanis Morrisette's "Head Over Feet". I have several songs which are "flying" songs for me. Sting's "Desert Rose" and several others are on a playlist waiting for enough tracks to burn a CD.

In this case, we were listening to the Evanescence CD while we were driving along the Barnet Highway and it was snowing. I remember commenting that I would always remember this one song, track 4, in this context. This song was "My Immortal", a song which makes me want to cry and sing and love and die, all at once. (The dying part is small...I think it has to do with the any case, don't worry. It's not like I'm listening to Top Gun anymore.) Tonight I was driving home from C/M's house while it was snowing, and I began to go along the Barnet. It wasn't long before "My Immortal" came on the rotation. I turned it onto repeat and just listened to it and sang along the rest of the way home. When I got to my street, I just kept driving. The snow was falling and reflecting in the streetlights. The world was softening, the music was filling my senses and I felt that the world was in a perfect balance. A continuous cycle...I was in tune with everything. Beauty surrounded me and love seemed easy. Life was something precious and people were inherently good, despite what you might believe. I also came to some conclusions about some things that I'd been longing for, and not admitting to myself.

Things have been changing in my life lately...some stuff I've blogged about, other stuff I haven't even shared with my closest friends. Change, while it may be good, is scary. I've been scared, but as I drove around tonight the world seemed to be safer. Things may be changing, but I'm feeling more prepared for it than I have been in a long time. I tried to find Justy's spot overlooking the city, but I couldn't, so I just let myself drive for a while. I came down off the mountain and arrived at my house.

It was raining again.

Friday, January 30, 2004

You have just won one million dollars:

Whoa, really? Do I have to send you money for me to get mine?'s just this week's Friday Five. :)

1. Who do you call first?
The lottery corporation to make sure that it's really true.

2. What is the first thing you buy for yourself?
Put a serious downpayment on an apartment or condo or a reasonable house. This way, my monthly payments are fairly low.

3. What is the first thing you buy for someone else?
A first edition (1984) hardcover copy of "Neuromancer" for Justy.

4. Do you give any away? If yes, to whom?
Yeah. Some worthwhile charities, help pay off some bills for some friends, maybe give $500 to some people. Random acts of kindness.

5. Do you invest any? If so, how?
Most of it...I figure living off the interest is a good way to do it. I probably wouldn't even quit my job...I'd be able to work at a job I love and use all the money I made there for fun stuff. Use the interest for paying bills.

Flood, pestilence, fire, famine...

Well, I can't speak for the last two (unless you count the diet I was planning on starting as famine...) but we have a leak in our basement. Again. The last time this happened was about six years ago and it got a lot of stuff soaked. It got within a meter of my room last time. This time, it's only about half a meter from the wall it started at, so that's good. Unfortunately, the forecast (thanks Justy for looking it up for me) is typical January/February Vancouver weather. 'Tonight is "Rain, at times heavy". Tomorrow is "Rain". Saturday is "Chance of showers".' I got home from Candyman's and it was suggested to me that I move some of my books that were in cardboard shelves and boxes. Yeah...books and water, not a good thing.

The pestilence? Many, many spiderwebs surrounding said books. Ick.

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

I am so smart! S-M-R-T...

Just tried an IQ test. Don't know how accurate it is, but it says I'm smart, so it must be phenomenally clever itself. :)

My IQ is apparently 135, and Mensa accepts people with IQ's over 130.


The rest of it: "We also compared your answers with others who have taken the test. According to the sorts of questions you got correct, we can tell your Intellectual Type is a Visionary Philosopher.

This means you are highly intelligent and have a powerful mix of skills and insight that can be applied in a variety of different ways. Like Plato, your exceptional math and verbal skills make you very adept at explaining things to others — and at anticipating and predicting patterns. And that's just some of what we know about you from your IQ results."

Now send us $15 and we'll tell you more about yourself. Erm, no thanks. :)

Try it out and tell me your score if you want.

Still broken

The Cheat is still not working. My brother apparently swapped some cords around, and now I don't know how to fix it. :(

I'm tired and grumpy. And cold. I should probably do something productive. Meh.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Watch this space

The Cheat isn't working right now. I have a massive post set up and written on him but his internet connection is farked.

That is all.

Saturday, January 24, 2004

Friday Five

At this moment, what is your favorite...

"My Immortal"-Evanescence

Rice Krispy Squares. I just made a batch...WITH extra marshmallow, of course.

3. show?
Alias and 24. Candyman and I are watching them on DVD. Firefly. Again on DVD. I don't watch much TV straight from the TV.

4. ...scent?
Buttercream candle scent that I bought at a discount from work.

5. ...quote?
"Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world." - Einstein

Friday, January 23, 2004

I'm not supposed to be awake yet...

I've been up for the last hour. This is weird...if I don't have to, I'm NEVER up before there are four numbers on the clock...or even three again. I'm a big fan of sleeping in until 1pm or so. Of course, I almost never go to bed before 2 I guess it all works out.

I'm going to the Everything to do with Sex show tonight with Candyman. Anyone else going tonight?

Thursday, January 22, 2004

At least it's not about a haircut...

My room smells like fresh laundry...something which occurs on a less than regular basis. I have a ridiculously huge amount of clothes, due to my penchant for hitting V.V. Boutique and stocking up a couple of years ago, and never getting rid of anything. I rarely do the Value Village thing anymore, but I still have an enormous amount of clothes. Hence, I rarely do laundry because I've always got lots of stuff to wear. By the time I get to the end of my pile of clean clothes, they don't smell like fresh laundry anymore. I just felt like posting this. Yeah.

Working tonight from 3:30-9:30, allegedly. I usually go about twenty minutes past the punch out time, which I have no problem with. I'm so tired though. I've been exhausted for the last couple of days, despite sleeping a lot. Not TOO much, which can also make one tired, but enough that I shouldn't be sleepy.

And I think I'm going to dye my hair burgandy tonight. I've had the dye for a week or so, but haven't had a chance to do anything with it.

Huh...I'll have to look into this...

According to the Belief-o-matic quiz I got from d, my belief system is as follows...

1. Hinduism (100%)
2. Neo-Pagan (99%)
3. Unitarian Universalism (97%)
4. Jainism (95%)
5. Mahayana Buddhism (91%)
6. Sikhism (87%)
7. Liberal Quakers (85%)
8. Reform Judaism (84%)
9. New Age (78%)
10. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (74%)
11. Orthodox Judaism (74%)
12. Bahá'í Faith (73%)
13. New Thought (70%)
14. Islam (68%)
15. Theravada Buddhism (67%)
16. Scientology (64%)
17. Secular Humanism (60%)
18. Taoism (60%)
19. Orthodox Quaker (56%)
20. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (51%)
21. Nontheist (45%)
22. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (42%)
23. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (41%)
24. Eastern Orthodox (39%)
25. Roman Catholic (39%)
26. Seventh Day Adventist (39%)
27. Jehovah's Witness (29%)

Insert title here

I was pretty grumpy Sunday when I did the Friday five. :p Oh well. I can tell...dunno if anyone else can.

Helped no name yet paint her apartment a little on Saturday. That was cool...I've never done any painting before. Got to meet a boy. :) Finally. :) It's strange...I read all these people's blogs and I'm meeting a bunch of them all at once.

I'm a little tired, so punctuation and flow of thought will be going out the window. I'm uncomfortably crampy. :( I slept a bunch off. I wound up crashing at C/M's last night because I had what I believe to be a minor migraine. Sensitive to light, major headache, but no nausea (for ONCE in my fricking life...). He tried to wake me up around 4 am, but I was really unable to drive walk.

I don't have to work until 3:30 tomorrow afternoon, so I'll be sleeping in...since I slept through a lot of this afternoon and probably won't be able to get to sleep until around four. *grumble*

I did some rubber stamping today. It's the first time since I was about ten that I've done any and I'd forgotten how much fun it was. I'd bought a bunch of stamps and ink and embossing powder from work and was just playing with the stamps and ink. Maybe tomorrow I'll break out the iron and the embossing powder and get serious. :)

I'm planning on having a table at the Vancouver Flea Market in the next couple of weeks. Does anyone want to kick in some money for it and I'll sell some of your stuff? Research will be forthcoming and I'll get more details in the next little while. Allegedly.

Sunday, January 18, 2004

Friday Five

1. What does it say in the signature line of your emails?

2. Did you have a senior quote in your high school yearbook? What was it? If you haven't graduated yet, what would you like your quote to be?
Nope, didn't get it in on time. Standard stuff, including "Ex-boyfriend's initials: we'll be together forever" etc. Something stupid about Magic in the cafeteria and RPG's.

3. If you had vanity plates on your car, what would they read? If you already have them, what do they say?
I don't really like vanity plates. Probably something profound in six letters or numbers or less.

4. Have you received any gifts with messages engraved upon them? What did the inscription say?
Name, birthday, Happy 21st Birthday etc. Nothing too exciting.

5. What would you like your epitaph to be?
I want to be cremated, no headstone. I'd like my headstone to be a tree or a rock or something.

Friday, January 16, 2004

Finally figured it out.

A couple of months ago the aerial antenna on my car vanished, leaving only the screw where it should have been. I didn't notice it for a while, so I'm not sure how long it had been missing because I rarely listen to the radio in my car...the novelty of having a CD player hasn't worn off yet. I told myself I'd head down to Lordco and pick up a replacement. Never did. Then, three weeks ago I noticed that the aerial was back! Like, had someone borrowed it?! Or had a random person decided to swap their old one and noticed that mine was missing?

So, I finally remembered to ask around and it turns out that my dad had replaced it about three months ago. :) Thanks Dad!

In other news:

I took my mom out for her birthday "Death by Chocolate" that I had never gotten around to doing with her. Her b-day is in March, BTW. We had a great time. :) Chatted about nothing for almost two hours. Happy. She and I tend to have really good talks when we actually get going. I enjoyed having a whole day off. :)

Tomorrow I will attempt to help no name yet and Mr. no name yet get their apartment painted before no name yet Jr. arrives. I've never painted walls before. I feel that I will probably be wearing an assortment of colours by the end of the day. This pleases me. I've always wanted to be various shades of greens and reds. Plus it will be practice for when I buy my own place, hopefully in May.

Finally, for those who missed my casual mention of it at the end of my "year in review", I got the supervisor position I was trying to get. Hurray! Came with a raise and guaranteed hours. Of course, next week I'm short of those hours. Siiiiigh. But it means I get to spend more time resting, crafting and seeing my wonderful, loving boyfriend. :) If he doesn't have too much homework... ;)


Check this out...this is truly art.

Monday, January 12, 2004


My last Fishlet (tm) died a couple days ago. But I found two more this morning skittering around the tank. They're really well hidden in this amazing algae bloom I've got going...before work tomorrow, I need to get an algae bloomed in about three days. It was really freaky.

Friday, January 09, 2004

Yup, another one

You are Jubilee!

Though you may be young and inexperienced, you have
great potential and will someday become an
admirable figure. For that to happen, though,
you must overcome your juvenile belief system
and adopt a more mature view on life.

Which X-Men character are you most like?
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Congratulations! You're Elrond!

Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
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My inner child is ten years old today

My inner child is ten years old!

The adult world is pretty irrelevant to me. Whether
I'm off on my bicycle (or pony) exploring, lost
in a good book, or giggling with my best
friend, I live in a world apart, one full of
adventure and wonder and other stuff adults
don't understand.

How Old is Your Inner Child?
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You are Form 0, Phoenix: The Eternal.

"And The Phoenix's cycle had reached
zenith, so he consumed himself in fire. He
emerged from his own ashes, to be forever

Some examples of the Phoenix Form are Quetzalcoatl
(Aztec), Shiva (Indian), and Ra-Atum
The Phoenix is associated with the concept of life,
the number 0, and the element of fire.
His sign is the eclipsed sun.

As a member of Form 0, you are a determined
individual. You tend to keep your sense of
optomism, even through tough times and have a
positive outlook on most situations. You have
a way of looking at going through life as a
journey that you can constantly learn from.
Phoenixes are the best friends to have because
they cheer people up easily.

Which Mythological Form Are You?
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Much cool stuff ensued last night. I finally got to meet d last night at her Wicca study group. I feel very good about this. I'd never thought about trying to practice Wicca with a group before, thinking of myself more as a solitary, or with one other person to mentor me. This is looking good though. :) I'm happy with it.

And not only is d really nice and slightly crazy in the same way that I am, she's also a craft person. *giggle* Who knew?! Hopefully she and I will be able to do a craft day out in the suburbs where a bunch of the good shops are. She's also trying to arrange a day with a bunch of permitting, I'm so there.

Sooooo, Friday Five!

Oh. It's just the same stuff from last week. :( Oh well!

Monday, January 05, 2004

Monday Five

What one thing are you most looking forward to . . .

Hot chocolate and hanging out with Justy and Candyman tonight.

2. ...over the next week?
Payday on Friday, starting to do some landscape paintings and sketches

3. ...this year?
Getting my own business going and moving out

4. ...over the next five years?
Staying in touch with family and friends, growing up a little.

5. ...for the rest of your life?
Either finding, or finding out that I've got, someone to spend the rest of my life with. Having kids.

Oh, and chocolate. I'm definitely looking forward to a pseudo-chocolate which is good for me.

Sunday, January 04, 2004

2003-Year in Review

Last updated: January 4th

-nearly got broken up with by Candyman due to some stupid things I said, although I didn't learn this until March or April.
-began what should have been my final semester of school. Three fun classes: hockey, archaeology and history.
-C/M's birthday gifts went over very well...Tenacious D CD and some other stuff.
-Thanks to the wonders of ICQ, began chatting lots with Bimkins and Justy
-Tutoring and teaching at the church are my sources of income
-Began taking "capoeira", a Brazilian martial art

-Got to see Daredevil on opening day, Valentine's Day. Had an amazing Valentines, complete with pre-lunch cuddling, lunch at Milestones (our first date place) and Daredevil. Later in doghouse for forgetting we saw Daredevil on Valentines. Whoops. :/
-Play a little bit of T-Cup Ultimate, TriCities Ultimate League.

-My mother's birthday. I STILL owe her her present...dessert and drinks at Death By Chocolate.
-St Patrick's Day. I completely forgot about it. Some Celt *I* am.
-Begin looking into Wicca as a religion again, rather than a strange hippy thing. Ditto for Zen Buddhism.

-Kittens' birthday. Uh, I forget what I got her. I think it was nice though...
-Finished all my classes. Taking the summer off...w00t! My grades are pretty good.

-Vegging out. That's pretty much it. Working some.
-Begin playing summer Ultimate. Sprain my ankle less than a week into the season and I'm gone for five weeks.

-Herbie (my old car) pulls a "Hal 9000" and tries to kill me on my way back from tutoring. I have a new car at the end of the week.
-Rob's (little brother) 19th birthday. I got him a T-shirt with his driver's licence on it and Candyman, my cousin Erin and I take him out to the pub.
-Begin playing Ultimate again, and roll my ankle again. Off for three weeks.

-still vegging out. It's good.
-Playing Ultimate, this time with a support brace. My GOD, it's the best support brace EVER!!!
-Start this blog, mainly to try and make myself change into the person I want me to be. It seems to be at least partly working. I'm much happier now than I have been in years. Is this because I'm changing first, or is this blog changing me? Who knows?

-I fill in at Cat's work. I decide that I'm never EVER working in an evil office environment. Unless I get very very rich. More than they'd be willing to pay me, I think.
-I begin karate classes with Shintokukai Karate-do. It is wonderful. Happiness

-I get the job of my dreams...craft store! Hurrah!
-I start unnecessary classes. Stupid, baka. They're scary classes. I worry.
-I get a promotion at the craft store and stop working at the church
-I begin assistant captaining my own Ultimate team. It's a lot of commitment! I think I might stick to being a player for a while.

-I finally get my wisdom teeth taken out. It sucks. Enough said.
-My birthday! Many good things, and lots of pictures of me with a swollen jaw.
-I dress up my brother as a hooker for Hallowe'en. My parents are so proud. ;) I also get to wear fishnets with my costume.

-Freaking out about classes. They're not doing well.
-Still love my job!
-Seriously looking into Wicca and Zen Buddhism as a spiritual path
-learn how to knit. Many scarves ensue.

-Finals. Flu. Bad combo.
-Grades=meh. I didn't fail anything...
-might start doing aromatherapy seminars
-starting a major project which is semi-going. It has to do with horses. :)
-Got a real promotion at work...raise and everything. This actually happened December 31. Happy new year to me!!

Saturday, January 03, 2004


I'll write a "year in review" thingie later.

strong domme tendecies
You have strong domme tendencies. You are or could
be the prime orchestrator in the bedroom. You
are in control; consistent, straightforward and
respectful.I pity the worthless Miss Nobodys
who dare disobey your direct orders.

Are you Dominant or Submissive?
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