The UberPost that was promised.
Candyman finally got my internet working...it um...wasn't just a single cord out of place? And I don't feel like a total technophobe? :p Ah well, that's why I'm dating a techie. ;)
So here's that post...written Tuesday Jan. 27, 2004 at 0309
Music, beauty, snow and spirit
A question of timing
This is a novelty to me. Since my internet connection seems to be malfunctioning, and since I don't want to troubleshoot at 0200 I'll be typing this up in WordPad complete with HTML tags and then posting it with the date fitted in when it posts. This irritates me to no end when certain people who will not be named (and if you think it's you, it isn't...this person KNOWS it's them. ;) ) do this, so I'm expecting some flack. [edit: I wound up not doing this because it took too long for me to get this up.]
This post has been brewing for a little while, and I think it's going to wind up being one of those "dream" posts where the content is totally meaningful to me, and me alone. I will reread this stuff, and I will be transported back to the state of mind that I wrote in but since no one else has the points of reference that I do it will only be words to them...you. It's funny that many people understand that no one will "get" their dream, or feeling that they have but it's so desperately important that it is shared with someone. I know that the contents of this post (which is rapidly becoming an essay) probably won't touch very many, if ANY of the readers that I have, but I know that it's important to me to do this. I cleaned out a box a couple days ago and found a torn out page of my diary from when 1991 when I was 11 or 12 describing a dream that I had. There was very little detail, but I was instantly transported back. Those feelings seem so fragile when they're being written, but truly they can last a very long time. This is a really raw and rough stream of consciousness writing, so...deal. ;)
NOTE: Candyman, if you're reading this...there's some stuff in here that might seem strange and worrisome. Please don't worry, there isn't anything wrong. I love you. :) And if you don't find anything worrisome, please disregard this notice.
Now that the "make the boyfriend freak out" addendum is finished, on with...
...the actual post
I'm so tired of being here.
Supressed by all my childish fears.
If you're to leave, why don't you just leave
But your presence still lingers here,
And it won't leave me alone.
These wounds won't seem to heal.
This pain is just too real.
There's just too much that time cannot erase.
When you cried, I wiped away all your tears.
When you screamed, I'd fight away all your fears.
I held your hand through all those years
You still have a hold on me.
I hate snow.
No, that isn't the entire post...you're not getting off that easy. :) It just helps to have a bit of background. Snow and I haven't gotten along since I first got my driver's licence, although I quite enjoyed it previously. Weather is something that I've often been attuned with...I think that having a minor case of SADS (Seasonal Affective Disorder Something) has helped (or not) with that. I've always had trouble with winter, often being more depressed, and snow, and cold. I hate the cold. I'm always cold, except when I'm too hot and then I get nauseated. I have a very narrow temperature range that I feel comfortable in. To me, snow has always been something which on the West Coast we endure personally for three days every six years and laugh about how Ontario is getting smacked with temperatures that we only see on TV.
Music has always been a major source of spirituality to me. When I go to church, it's one of the things that I look forward to the most. It was one of the ways I connected with God, and even now that I don't follow a mainstream religion, music is still one of the beautiful things in the world which connects me to the earth and sends me into the sky. Singing has always been very important to me. I sing to myself, often without realizing I'm doing it. I sing to the radio, I sing in the shower (as cliche as that sounds...) and I used to sing out my window when I was younger before I went to sleep.
Finding beauty is very important to me, and I unwittingly found beauty in snow several weeks ago. Unlike many of the other Wet (sic) Coast bloggers, I didn't mention the snowfall (I think) or the icy conditions. This was mostly because they and I were having an uneasy truce. I didn't acknowledge them other than driving very carefully, and they didn't acknowledge me. One evening, Candyman and I were hanging out when it began snowing heavily. We decided that since he had all wheel drive on his car, he would follow me home so that I could leave my car at home since I was working the next morning and then we could go back to his place. On the way back to his place, and on other subsequent drives that night we were listening to the Evanescence CD which I mentioned in my previous blog post.
One of the things that happens to me when I listen to music is that I will be mentally and emotionally transported back to the place where I most vividly remember hearing it. For Incubus's "Wish You Were Here", I'm brushing my hair, listening to the radio in a place that I was housesitting, experiencing true freedom for one of the first times. Madonna's "Lucky Star", I'm 9 or 10 years old at my friend Stephanie's house. It's only in the last year that I can stand to be in the same room as Amanda Marshall's "Dark Horse" or especially "Trust Me, This is Love". I have practically run out of stores when it was on the radio because of its emotional connection for me. The same for Alanis Morrisette's "Head Over Feet". I have several songs which are "flying" songs for me. Sting's "Desert Rose" and several others are on a playlist waiting for enough tracks to burn a CD.
In this case, we were listening to the Evanescence CD while we were driving along the Barnet Highway and it was snowing. I remember commenting that I would always remember this one song, track 4, in this context. This song was "My Immortal", a song which makes me want to cry and sing and love and die, all at once. (The dying part is small...I think it has to do with the strings...in any case, don't worry. It's not like I'm listening to Top Gun anymore.) Tonight I was driving home from C/M's house while it was snowing, and I began to go along the Barnet. It wasn't long before "My Immortal" came on the rotation. I turned it onto repeat and just listened to it and sang along the rest of the way home. When I got to my street, I just kept driving. The snow was falling and reflecting in the streetlights. The world was softening, the music was filling my senses and I felt that the world was in a perfect balance. A continuous cycle...I was in tune with everything. Beauty surrounded me and love seemed easy. Life was something precious and people were inherently good, despite what you might believe. I also came to some conclusions about some things that I'd been longing for, and not admitting to myself.
Things have been changing in my life lately...some stuff I've blogged about, other stuff I haven't even shared with my closest friends. Change, while it may be good, is scary. I've been scared, but as I drove around tonight the world seemed to be safer. Things may be changing, but I'm feeling more prepared for it than I have been in a long time. I tried to find Justy's spot overlooking the city, but I couldn't, so I just let myself drive for a while. I came down off the mountain and arrived at my house.
It was raining again.