Short-ish post

This is supposed to be a short post. It probably won't be. :p Deal.

So I've been pretty happy the last couple weeks, but I always have this impending "Yeah, that's not going to last"...or as Sluggy Freelance puts it: " 'Oh.' said God. 'A challenge.' " So I had a minor meltdown last night. Those are usually triggered by something minor going wrong...in this case it was me hormonally blaming Candyman for something that I don't even remember now, and me being pissed off, then dissolving into tears for an hour or so. It's also often brought on by lack of sleep. (sh)It happens way too often for my liking. :p I'm better now.

There's very few things going on in my life. I have a 99.9% of the time great relationship, I love my job, I don't have major bills to pay, I'm healthy, I live in a great area of the world and I'm adorable. However, there's something rotten and nasty inside me saying that I don't deserve what I have, that I'm spoiled and that it's all going to come crashing down on me when the Cosmos realizes that they screwed up and my life is supposed to be given to that chick down the street. Like in Cambodia.

Am I supposed to be grateful for what I have? Sometimes I feel like it's not enough, and other times I feel like it's too much and I don't deserve it. It's really strange.

However, I went to karate tonight. My mind feels clearer. I feel better. Karate is something that I can see myself improving in everytime I attempt it. It's something which allows me to push myself in ways that I never have before, and that's something I need. It's giving me clarity, purpose and a sense of being grounded in something that is larger than I am. Being karate-ka (karate student) is forcing me to take my time, to work towards something, but know that working harder isn't necessarily going to get me there. "Life's a journey, not a destination." and I need to remember to focus myself on that.

Last night while I was very angry and upset, I said something which really struck me. "I'm going to be so pissed off when I move out and discover I'm still so miserable." I didn't realize it at the time, but I think that's part of my problem. I'm one of those people who, if they aren't smacked down, will go through life like this...

"I'll be happy when...
...I finish high school."
...I get a job."
...I move out."
...I find a significant other."
...I get married."
...I have kids."
...the kids move out."
...I retire."

Whoops, I'm dead. And that happens to TOO DAMNED MANY PEOPLE! I refuse to let myself do that. This is part of the reason why I started this blog in the first place. I have let the stars (moving out, getting a job etc.) blind me to the fact that I am currently living my life. The only one I get, depending on who you believe, but dammit, right now it's the only one I have, so why should I waste my time screwing around with it?

Um, anyway...comments are welcome. :)