Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Anger is healthy, right?

This isn't really representative of my site...don't be scared off... ;)

Over the last several months I have sometimes had occasion to be furious with people. (Usually at work...) Mindless rage where my mouth tastes like pennies, my fight or flight reflex kicks in giving me a knotted stomach and I actually feel slightly lightheaded. This would be the kind of absolute crazed frustration and fury which I would come home and it would affect me several hours later, especially when I was trying to go to sleep, by invading my head with images of me stabbing someone through the temple. Repeatedly. With a big smile on my face.

I tend to not get this way often. Thank goodness...I'm sure it's not really all that healthy, especially if I wind up acting on these impulses. Hrm. Yeah...probably not such a great idea. Usually when I feel slighted or upset I just shrug it off or have a minor hissy fit, and then it's OVER. Except recently I've been having these fantasies about doing serious bodily harm to people who have pissed me off...who have just acted stupidly for no particular reason, and should be immediately removed from the gene pool before they pee in it any further.

So last night/this morning I was feeling this way towards myself. I haven't felt this way in several years. I used to have medium sized issues about "stuff". Self esteem stuff...cutting myself...but I was getting SO much better. Hadn't even used myself for Exacto practice in...probably six years now. Last night was bad. I took offense at something someone said...and have you ever been completely pissed off at something...knowing that it's pretty irrational, but still feeling justified that you're angry...even though you aren't REALLY sure if you should be? Yeah...that was me earlier. So I fumed for a while, playing Yahoo Games, (until past 5 am) blogging a little, reading my blogroll. Oh, and emailing what I remember to be a really nasty retort to the entire episode. I finally went downstairs and tossed and turned until almost six while visions of unhealthy masochistic sharp objects danced through my head, along with the knowledge that seventeen steps from my bed was a bottle of vodka in the freezer and three steps to the left was an entire liquor cabinet filled with cream based girly drinks. Enough to knock all these nasty thoughts out of my head for a couple hours and make me feel less guilty for flying off the handle and sending out nasty writing when it really wasn't justified.

I am pleased to report that I managed to avoid both alcoholic indulgences and various sharp objects. Now I'm feeling better, and I would like to send out a public apology to the people who got splashed with my angst of last night. This morning. Whatever.

You may all return to your regularly scheduled happy, if very tired since I only got 5 hours of sleep, Karin.

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