Friday, May 07, 2004

Thoughtful post (!!)

As usual, on a night that I should be going to bed early, I decided to post. Actually, it was more of an "I need to post" but in a good way. I don't know how long this is going to be. :) The lyrics this evening are from Aerosmith's "Amazing". Warning: strange internal workings are occurring in this one.

I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy to see me
Through all my sins

There were times in my life
When I was going insane
Trying to walk through the pain

Despite coming from a good, relatively stable home with no abuse or other domestic problems including drug and alcohol abuse, I have had many issues. Maybe it's just that I'm too dramatic, or too naive, or something else that is simply a habit, or else it's something biological or chemical like depression, ADD, etc. ad nauseum. Simply put there's not really any good ways to determine what it is. Of course, there's also those who feel that these "biological or chemical" problems are simply lack of character or things that can easily be changed. I'm not going to judge one way or another...I don't really have the research, and well...this isn't really about that.

I've been struggling for a long time to "fit in" or to at least appear to and forget about my general alienation from the rest of my friends, people who I know through work, school or other activities. I felt that I was missing out on things. I would do things to try and gain attention...nothing major... trying to be special in some way. That was always the rub. I always felt that I needed something to distinguish me from the crowd. It didn't matter that people would tell me that I was special or that there was something different about me. I needed lots of independent confirmation to boost my self esteem. I'm sure I was truly a pain in the ass a lot of the time. :p

When I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
Yeah, I thought I could leave
But couldn't get out the door
I was so sick and tired
Of living a lie
I was wishing that I would die

I've definitely had death wishes before. I used to cut myself, until I promised someone very special to me that I wouldn't. Even though I'm not in touch with him anymore, I've kept my promise although it's been very difficult for me. I don't think that there was ever a serious suicide attempt, but the pain used to release pressure for me. In lieu of cutting myself, I used other methods to hurt myself. Again, this sometimes made me feel that I was special in some way, that by doing this I was grounding myself in reality again. I know that doesn't really make sense...sorry. :( Even recently, I would lie in bed hating myself and willing myself to die overnight. Or I would drive really fast at night, tempting myself to just go over the railing.

It's difficult to try and get help for something like that. Eating disorders are recognized, but vacuous death wishes seem to be less serious, especially when I looked at them. They are not seen as immediately dangerous, which I suppose is technically true, but they are very damaging to a person's self esteem and the rest of their life.

It's amazing
With the blink of an eye
You finally see the light
It's amazing
When the moment arrives
That you know you'll be all right
It's amazing
And I'm saying a prayer
For the desperate hearts tonight

So I don't know if I'm ever going to be completely "cured" of this, or even if I want to. While it really and truly sucks to be in "the depths of despair" as Anne of Green Gables puts it, it is so absolutely fucking unbelieveably GOOD to be out of it. It's like that moment in the "Wizard of Oz" where it goes from black and white to Technicolor. Suddenly everything seems good. Suddenly there is a purpose to life.

How high can you fly with broken wings?
Life's a journey, not a destination
And I just can't tell just what tomorrow will bring
You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk

So this is what I'm doing now. I'm crawling, but I've got a journey in mind. C/M once told me that I seem to believe that life is a spiritual journey. I tend to agree with his assessment. I'm starting to find...myself? Inner peace? The meaning of life? I don't necessarily know if it's real, but it makes me happy, and if it makes me happy, it can't be that bad. ;)

In other, lighter news:
1) Today (May 6) is the two year anniversary of the day that C/M, NNY and myself met.
2) Our first Ultimate game of the season was this evening. Overall, we played quite well, winning both of our games. Yours truly played the best I've ever felt that I've played before, scoring one point and making a spectacular 89 point landing out of bounds. I'm especially happy about the way that I played because I'd felt earlier today that I was badly out of shape and was not impressed at all with the way I'd trained in the winter.
3) Wendy's salads are REALLY good.
4) Babies are really amazing and cool and I'll blog that another time, I'm sure. :)

Exercise today: 2 hours of Ultimate

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